Can Low Expectations Make You Happy?
The case for appreciating what’s in front of you
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At the end of each issue of The Atlantic is a short ode by my colleague James Parker. He has praised many of life’s realities, most of them completely ordinary: naps, barbecue potato chips, chewing gum, cold showers.
One of my favorites, the ode to low expectations, seems to describe the thinking behind Parker’s entire ode project. “Gratification? Satisfaction? Having your needs met? Fool’s gold,” Parker writes. “If you can get a buzz of animal cheer from the rubbishy sandwich you’re eating, the daft movie you’re watching, the highly difficult person you’re talking to, you’re in business.”
Appreciate what’s in front of you, Parker is saying. That’s a hard thing for humans to do, in our era of social-media comparisons and heightened expectations. What we expect of our romantic partners, for example, has risen dramatically in the past hundred or so years. As a social psychologist told my colleague Olga Khazan in 2017, we now expect a partner not only to love and support us, but also to help us grow and contribute to our self-actualization. That’s a lot to expect from one person.
High expectations aren’t always a bad thing. But if you’re finding yourself flooded with disappointment more often than you’d like—say, if your partner put effort into a Valentine’s Day gift or plan, but didn’t do exactly what you’d hoped for—you might consider the case for lowering your expectations and turning to gratitude instead. Look up at your loved ones. Look down at your coffee or your tea or your “rubbishy sandwich.” And say: This is enough.
On Expectations
By James Parker
You’ll be happier if you grade reality on a curve.
We Expect Too Much From Our Romantic Partners
By Olga Khazan
How marriage has changed in recent years, and why that’s made staying married harder (From 2017)
Perfectionism Can Become a Vicious Cycle in Families
By Gail Cornwall
When parents have “other-oriented perfectionism,” kids suffer.
Still Curious?
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The most effective way to thank your significant other: Gratitude can be a significant predictor of relationship quality.
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Gratitude without God: In 2014, the writer Emma Green asked: If giving thanks isn’t inherently religious, where does it come from?
Other Diversions
P.S.
If you’re really struggling to activate your gratitude muscles, our happiness columnist, Arthur C. Brooks, suggests contemplating your death. This does not sound fun. But Brooks has evidence to back up the suggestion: “Researchers found in 2011 that when people vividly imagined their demise, their sense of gratitude increased by 11 percent, on average,” he wrote in 2021. “As a happiness researcher, I rarely see single interventions with this kind of effect.”
— Isabel